Idly wondering why I was feeling so hungry, I realized that all I'd eaten today was a bowl of Cheerios. About seven hours ago. Brilliant. I've kinda been doing that a lot lately; don't really know why. Is this "pining"? It's the first I've considered that. I have always associated pining with some sort of Victorian silliness, not as something real. Maybe it is. How interesting.
The last few days have been hard. As the sunlight has brightened, I've appreciated the near-Spring visuals -- even as I found myself missing...everything...so much more. An odd combination. I've gone a bit machine-like: work, eat, sleep -- repeat. Just walking through the hours. I never thought I'd lose so much, so quickly. There were things I never thought I'd lose at all. It still shocks me. Still hurts. The things I wish for now are almost embarrassingly sappy. I want to be happy, but I'm not sure how that song goes anymore. I'm mostly just exhausted and cold now, even as the days grow warmer.
Changed the way I look.
In the hopes that.
It will change the way I
feel.
Feeling different.
But -- the same.
Lost. (But still right here.)
I've always, only, ever been
me.
I don't know what to do.
No gas left in the tank.
Though never all that raucous, my life has lately become very quiet. More silent still, as the moments evaporate. I miss believing in happily ever after. I miss talking. I miss my Mom.
