April 2005 Archives

Green stands out bright against the graying evening. The whispered rumor of rain is everywhere. An electric candle in my window has come alive early. Responding to the gloom by blinking to light.

I'm tired and grimy, myself. A hot shower awaits. And more coffee. It is Friday, after-all, and the night can burn longer now -- unfettered from weekday expectations.

Wash me clean and unknot me. Sooth the hours and open my eyes.

Ah. Friday.

A very happy (if somewhat delayed) birthday to you, Bill. I hope your day was great and that you will have many more.

Here's to a great year ahead!

It feels like someone has buried a wire cable in the back of my neck and is slowly cranking it to the snapping point.

And it's late. And I'm dreary.

The water in my glass goes down like silk. The glow from my monitor paints ghosts over everything. Eventually, I'm going to fall into sleep like falling into a pool.

But in slow-motion. And in the dark.

Mixed the audio with just the right amount of coffee. The day, tipping into evening, added in a perfect vivid shine. Crystal. Notes scaling upward. No sugar but sharp.

I feel bright. I like it.

Gotta remember this formula.

Think I'll go outside.

The blossoms on the tree in the back are opening. The air is filling up with a white petal perfume. Tiny bits of pink and purple are drifting down out front. But it is dark now, and those things are rendered imaginary.

It is odd to be restless and tired at the same time. I am yearning to relax and should be in bed. But here I am. Awake. Aimless. The back of my neck is tight.

I am biting my lips.

I find myself tired and spinning down. Imagining flower petals drifting from the sky like colored snowflakes -- and wind, visible, curving through full trees.

But the full bloom of Spring isn't here yet. Though, soon.

And I will spin back up again.

It's like catching something out of the corner of your eye, then turning to find it gone -- like that, but then forgetting what it was you turned for in the first place...

Tuesday's skies were mostly blue. The air, mostly bright. At this point, flowers are opening perfumed petals. Blossoms showing color. The breeze, however, is still cool on your toes. Right now, I am tired and somewhat distracted.

All day I have had the vaguely urgent feeling that I am forgetting something.

Slightly more clear than water in glass, with candlelight casting. Eyes dry and hour late. Dark, with highway sounds and the scent of blueberries.

That are more clear than water.

In this cool late hour.

I feel smokey. Translucent and ghostly, vaguely bad for myself. Swirling aimlessly, snaking. Gray.

The music has been loud today...slowing down now with The Doors. The breeze through my window is soft and cool as kisses. My hair is wet. My feet are bare. I'm warm and smell like soap.

But I feel like smoke.

I like it.

Sometimes sleep is so much the best part of the day that I put it off for as long as possible -- all the better to savor it, like an especially welcome chocolate. An indulgence to sink into at long last and prolong as much as possible.

You have to go out in it, to remind yourself.

The World is beautiful
The World is beautiful
The World is beautiful

We were put here on this earth, put here to feel joy.
"Letter - From the Lost Days" - Silent Hill 3 Soundtrack

The sky was perfect today, tall and blue, light shining down. Spring warmth. I had the windows open in the car. And now the light is long and lasting deeper into the evening. Such a beautiful April glow.

Saturday was fun. Smokey and accented by new places. It felt strange but, in the end, was relaxing and very enjoyable. Wet snow in the early morning was like an echo of Winter. It faded as the new day grew long.

And now...now I want to be outside, and free in it.

I'm wound.

I feel like a jittery flicker of myself. A 16mm image projected on a concrete wall, full of scratches and skips. Jump-cuts.

I want to hose down and be clean in the air outside.

One, two, three...