September 2009 Archives
So much gets taken out of you. Stuff you thought would never go. It's amazing we don't all collapse, from being so hollowed-out. Thank God for sleep, where we can at least forget ourselves for a while. And the state we are in.
The rain is softening the day. Blurring the colors, wet-into-wet. Whispering on the roof. The distance is gray mist and the moments feel like watery dreams. The light is pale, unfixed in time. It could be morning or evening, or anything in-between. I feel tired. I don't feel tired. A quiet agitation is in me -- but rain just continues. Sighing, smoothing...softening.
Friday, and I am the only one making sounds in here. Stirring my coffee, rustling the paper. Occasionally speaking aloud to myself. From outside, other sounds accentuate the stillness: soft sweeps from the parkway, a barking dog, the distant thump of G-20 helicopters. No work today and I slept in. Awoke to stillness. Silence. There is a vacuum inside me, similar to the dialed down level of ambient sound around me. Emptiness pulls the outside in -- but the outside is muted too. I think of dust, almost imperceptibly accumulating on surfaces. Perhaps some chores, and cleaning, will pull my thoughts away from this quieting. I am very lonely.
As if my mainspring is unwinding, I keep grinding into fits and starts. Stopping momentarily, on my day off, and trying to figure out what to do with myself. Then moving on to another mundane thing. I'm kind of aggressively depressed at the moment. Perhaps getting outside will help. I'm going to take a camera. And a shot of Mezcal. I need some kind of key, to wind me back up.
I woke, low. Had an extensive dream about her. Stayed on the futon for a bit, afterward, listening to the rain fall outside. Depressed. I'm a fan of feeling, but I must say: I'll be relieved when I stop feeling this so brightly. It's exhausting. I find it quietly appalling that I can't pin-point a time in recent memory when I was happy. I would like for that to change. A vague intuition has been whispering that I am at a personal inflection point. It is frightening. I don't know which direction to go, or if I have the resources to make certain choices at all (be they right or wrong). Definitely lost in the woods, again. Ah, such thoughts. Maybe it's just Monday. Some of these are harder than others.
Outside, with my MacBook Pro. Sipping a beer and typing, under cool blue skies. Just bought myself a somewhat extravagant gift. Don't really know why. Calm and quiet on an early Sunday evening. I change slow.
I feel abandoned and desolate. Annihilated. Yet, the last few day have been beautiful, open, full of hope and crystal-clear light. My body aches and my heart is empty. And the soft air is as gentle as kisses. The sky: always and forever blue. It's a combination that draws me to a standstill, wordless.
