March 2010 Archives
It truly is pouring sunlight, out there. Everything is shining. I was kind of hoping that Spring's brightening would make me feel better. No luck with that so far, silly rabbit.
Thought it was night but, looking outside, the sky is still lifted and indigo. Dark not down and in against the windows just yet. Worked through the mechanics, today: taxes, bills, etc. Eating. Not enough light in this equation. I need it to brighten. Still a shimmer of darkest blue out there. Color against black, like a word against silence.
Taking the time to add a bit of beauty to something that will hardly ever be seen, is a sadly fading art. We should do this everywhere: in the physical and in the non.
I don't know what is right, or what to do. Don't know the meaning of all of this. I don't know why I'm here or why all this has happened to me. Tired, honestly, of trying to figure it out. Much of what I thought was bedrock...wasn't. Don't think I ever really had a clue. I don't want to not give a fuck. I want to care. And I want to be free. Don't know how I'll get there.
Guess I'll just keep walking.
Where do we go?
Where do we go now?
Where do we go?
-- "Sweet Child O' Mine" - Guns 'N Roses
Vernal Equinox, and the sky is tall and brightening. Don't know what to do. Don't know if it matters. New season, though. Here's to it. Blur into green...and blossoms.
Sitting here in the dining room, alone. Quiet as an empty glass. The windows are black. I am tired -- but restless. Blankly distressed, but letting that submerge. I've forgotten two different PIN numbers, two days in-a-row, now. I never forget things. Never used to, I guess. Oh well. Listening to the furnace blow hot air through the vents; it sounds tidal.
The color of the sky is the color of the rain. Everything is dim and quiet. I woke up with the song, "Always and Forever" drifting through my mind. My eyes are sore.
I awakened, feeling grainy and vaguely sore. The pale light of late morning filled my window. Traffic sounds on the highway were distant and muted; everything else was quiet. Unfinished dreams hovered around me, like ghosts.
Idly wondering why I was feeling so hungry, I realized that all I'd eaten today was a bowl of Cheerios. About seven hours ago. Brilliant. I've kinda been doing that a lot lately; don't really know why. Is this "pining"? It's the first I've considered that. I have always associated pining with some sort of Victorian silliness, not as something real. Maybe it is. How interesting.
The last few days have been hard. As the sunlight has brightened, I've appreciated the near-Spring visuals -- even as I found myself missing...everything...so much more. An odd combination. I've gone a bit machine-like: work, eat, sleep -- repeat. Just walking through the hours. I never thought I'd lose so much, so quickly. There were things I never thought I'd lose at all. It still shocks me. Still hurts. The things I wish for now are almost embarrassingly sappy. I want to be happy, but I'm not sure how that song goes anymore. I'm mostly just exhausted and cold now, even as the days grow warmer.
Changed the way I look.
In the hopes that.
It will change the way I
feel.
Feeling different.
But -- the same.
Lost. (But still right here.)
I've always, only, ever been
me.
I don't know what to do.
No gas left in the tank.
Though never all that raucous, my life has lately become very quiet. More silent still, as the moments evaporate. I miss believing in happily ever after. I miss talking. I miss my Mom.
