Results tagged “Depression” from The Allurium

Friday night.  The meaning has shifted.  It's...quiet, here.  From outside: the sound of the highway.  People going places.  Birds, singing.  Lives occurring.  There's still blue in the sky; shadows pushed back.  I don't know what to say.  I'm as empty as a bell.  Unrung.

The hours weep seconds.

It is quiet here on this pretty morning.  The only sounds are birds, outside in the shine, and me moving about, getting ready for work.  The passage of time is like silence: much more noticeable when you are alone in it.  So many moments have quieted.  So much has changed.  Things started going bad on this day, last year...

Tonight I saw the moon full, in a purple and pink sky.  Driving home with the windows down.  Don't feel that great.  Was thinking I should hoist the "I Don't Care" flag, run with that for a while.  But it wouldn't be true.  Pretty quiet, here.  Muggy.  My eyes are tired.

I don't know what is up with me, today but Symphony of Science is, collectively, the most beautiful thing I've experienced recently.  I keep listening to the songs...and crying.  It's amazing; I've been crying for at least an hour.  I don't think I've cried that much in, well, ever.  A small part of me is a bit ashamed of the tears.  A larger part is not.

The sound of the highway is a soft white whisper.  The night is empty as ink, unwritten.

Listening to music through headphones, lights dim.  Muscles sore.  Slightly dizzy.  It's black out there.

I feel used up.

Out there, the day is dialing down the blue.  Moments closer to monochrome.  My window candle has flickered to life.  A dot of yellow.  Almost all quiet, in here.

Before it shaded, I was out there.  Dilated.  SunlIght on me like a wave.  Swirling flower petals gave the air shape.  I took a photo of her, once, in a similar shower of white.  Gone now.  Today, I closed my eyes to the expanded shine.  My vision was blurred and over-exposed anyway.  I listened, instead.  The heat sank into my skin.  Perfume on the breeze.  Rising curves of wind.  Droplets, on my face.  Thin lines of water are connecting the earth and sky, now.  The sky is a charcoal smudge.  Light seeping back in, around the edges.

Tired and shivery.  Falling toward bed, slow.  Don't care if I dream; just want to sleep.  I'm off for the next two days.  Not sure what to do.  Hoping to stretch the hours, I guess.  It's very quiet.  Black outside.  I'm missing...a lot.  I feel like an empty glass.

Dad and I visited the graves of my Mom, Grandmother and uncle.  It was quiet and pretty there: small groups of people placing flowers and visiting, as well.  As we drove back, the traffic started to pile up.  Holiday weekend.  Washed and waxed my car, in the sunshine and wind.  Kept thinking of the past while I was cleaning: trips and adventures I wanted to share with someone else who is gone...  Drank the last shot from my small bottle of Patron and sat in the yard for a while, feeling the heat on my skin.  A wild turkey walked by.  The scent of hyacinths swirled.  A robin regarded me from a flowerbed.  My Dad got the fountain in the koi pond working again.  I can hear the sound of water through my open window.  And the highway.  Everything else is quiet.  I'm going to take a shower.  Eat.  Then watch a movie.

It truly is pouring sunlight, out there.  Everything is shining.  I was kind of hoping that Spring's brightening would make me feel better.  No luck with that so far, silly rabbit.

Thought it was night but, looking outside, the sky is still lifted and indigo.  Dark not down and in against the windows just yet.  Worked through the mechanics, today: taxes, bills, etc.  Eating.  Not enough light in this equation.  I need it to brighten.  Still a shimmer of darkest blue out there.  Color against black, like a word against silence.

The color of the sky is the color of the rain.  Everything is dim and quiet.  I woke up with the song, "Always and Forever" drifting through my mind.  My eyes are sore.

Idly wondering why I was feeling so hungry, I realized that all I'd eaten today was a bowl of Cheerios.  About seven hours ago.  Brilliant.  I've kinda been doing that a lot lately; don't really know why.  Is this "pining"?  It's the first I've considered that.  I have always associated pining with some sort of Victorian silliness, not as something real.  Maybe it is.  How interesting.  

The last few days have been hard.  As the sunlight has brightened, I've appreciated the near-Spring visuals -- even as I found myself missing...everything...so much more.  An odd combination.  I've gone a bit machine-like: work, eat, sleep -- repeat.  Just walking through the hours.  I never thought I'd lose so much, so quickly.  There were things I never thought I'd lose at all.  It still shocks me.  Still hurts.  The things I wish for now are almost embarrassingly sappy.  I want to be happy, but I'm not sure how that song goes anymore.  I'm mostly just exhausted and cold now, even as the days grow warmer.

I don't know what to do.

I don't listen to James Taylor all that often but, for some reason, his song, "Fire and Rain" has been drifting around in my mind since I got home from work.  It's kind of making me sad.  Or sadder, I guess.

I am empty now.